Day 42

eating cheesecake in the afternoon i think of justin and the raspberry new york cheesecake in our favorite dessert place which is his favorite cheesecake because it's not heavy but is also real and not that frozen rubbishy stuff, not to mention that it's flavorful as opposed to cloyingly sweet and has genuine rapsberries on top not the ones that come out of packets - anyway, i think that it would be nice to be eating cheesecake - real cheesecake - with him, or maybe the grand marnier souffle with vanilla bean sauce which is top notch as well and a pot of darjeeling tea and talking about life and bridge and whatever. i don't know why i have this sudden crushing need for familiarity but it is now manifesting itself frequently during the day and apropos of the oddest things - snatches of music, snippets of conversation. i went online today in the afternoon, bored, and sussed out a bunch of random singaporean's blogs and read them from start to finish just for the sheer hell of immersing myself in the familiar. one of them belonged to an rjc kid who had just finished bmt and had been posted to smm - recapitulating my own steps through ns - and i felt oddly connected to this stranger even through the gulf of cyberspace and five years. memories are odd: they cheat and lie, they entice you to walk into the tripwires of sentimentality, they are temptresses away from the here and now. but i couldn't help myself, and i went back to my room and listened to blur and jewel and looked at photographs and got weepy at stupid things and then felt vindicated and dumb at the same time.

over dinner (manicotti), the girls staged a coup d'etat and took over the remote control so that they could watch trading spaces on tlc which just made everything so much worse. i hate trading spaces, and even the combined veto power of james wood and tom and nathan was useless against the tyranny of females. and so i'm here, being stupid and spilling my guts online and i bet you someone in singapore is reading this and saying what a stupid shit he is to be overseas in bermuda and complaining like that. except that i'm not complaining really, just venting, and this is just a phase that will pass, i know, it's just weird because as i said yesterday i never feel this way in duke only here.