semester the eighth

it would be nice if something that looked like a dissertation appeared in my hands by may this year. it doesn't even have to say anything too deep, just be big, and impressively bound. to accomplish this, it would be nice if students/patients/supervisors could all keep really quiet, and make very few demands. is there a muse of academic writing? if there is, i need their effigy as well for my desk, post-haste.