having to give therapy -- and having to get supervision for it -- is a completely different matter from simply doing assessment and diagnosis, an exercise where you see a person a few times and never have to deal with them again. therapy is unpredictable, taxing, and above all, terrifying on many different levels -- am i messing up the patient's life? am i saying stupid things on tape? do my colleagues and supervisor think i'm an idiot?

what ends up happening, therefore, is an exercise where, as you're trying to help the client, you're simultaneously giving therapy to yourself, trying to superimpose a framework of cold reason over the emotional chaos. the reality, hard to believe, is this: the client believes you're a real psychologist, which in itself is a huge effector of change; everyone thinks they've said stupid things on tape, and sometimes you actually have, but it's not a big deal; everyone is afraid that they look like an idiot without thinking anyone else in the practicum actually is one. and training in therapy is just that: saying these things over and over again to yourself until you believe them, so that you can focus on the client instead of your panicky, useless thoughts. terror is incredibly unproductive. i hope i get over it soon.