The Student, or Me, or the One Drowning in a Sea of Bewilderment
The Advisor, or the One who Lobs the Occasional Softball, but Otherwise is Just There For the Show
Committee Member #1, or the Insider, or the One Personally Supervising the Drowning of Me in the Sea of Bewilderment
Committee Member #2, or the Outsider, or the One Who Has No Idea What the Hell is Going On, and Has Probably Not Even Read the Damn Paper
The Student sits, waiting. Enter the Committee, in flowing white robes.
The Student: Prithee welcome. We are gathered here today so that thou noble selves may deem the worthiness of a poor graduate student to proceed, in future years, to waste more of thy money on matters of Scientific Inconsequence. But first, if thou wilt, please partake of this Caffeinated Beverage and these Petit Fours which I purchased yesterday from my meager stipend at considerable price.
The Committee eats.
The Student: Art thou pleased with this humble repast?
Committee Member #1: It is tolerable.
Committee Member #2: We accept your offering, modest as it is.
The Student: Thou are most gentle and kind.
Committee Member #2: It is in our very nature to be so.
The Student (aside): Though thou liest, I must yet hold my tongue.
The Advisor: So pray, enlighten us on your Scientific Progress this twelvemonth past.
The Student: I would be delighted to, my liege. See here, how I come well-prepared with visual aids and Powerpoint slides that strike to the very heart of the matter. Did I not slave for hours and hours to ensure that their composition was pleasing to the eye? Do they not succinctly capture the essence of my manifold labors?
Committee Member #1: In five minutes, if you will.
The Student (aside): Would I were dead, if God's will were it so. For what is in this world but grief and woe?
The Advisor: But come, tarry not, let us hear of your merry adventures.
The Student: Twas August last we summoned from a pool of subjects that we had recruited...
Commitee Member #1: Nay! I accept not your premise.
The Student: But I had not yet started...
Committee Member #1: You assume too much. What is a subject? What is a subject pool? How do I know we divine the same meaning from this symbolic language which you are using? How are you certain that the concepts you are presenting are represented similarly in my mind's eye as yours? You cannot do this; we do not share a consciousness. Why, what if here and now I denied your very existence, and the existence of reality itself?!
Here, lightning shards pierce the room in a crackling chirascuro
The Student: I submit to thee that reality exists.
Committee Member #1: This is an unsubstantiated claim!
The Advisor: Come S____, let us not quibble over trifles. Here, have one of these Mini-Cheesecakes.
Committee Member #1: (chewing) Indeed, they are creamy, yet their creator had a light touch.
Committee Member #2: Then onward! I have much to do. Tenure does not grow on trees.
The Student: So from these graphs so intricately plotted, we see a lucid pattern doth arise. Confusion falls! The clarity of theory and empirical data once more shine their light on lands we hitherto dared not traverse.
Committee Member #1: So you are well-versed, I understand, in the substance of these matters.
The Student: My knowledge is but a pea in the vast stewpot of thine unimaginable wisdom, but I will answer any queries best I can.
Committee Member #1: What is the capital of the Faroe Islands? Name the next prime number after 1 trillion. What were the significant turning points in the Battle of Puebla, and what were its historical consequences? Describe how the socialist leanings of the Manic Street Preachers influenced and shaped the thoughts of the working class in the United Kingdom in the late 20th century. Account for the weakness of the gravitational force in our 3-dimensional universe.
The Student (groveling): O! Stop! I'm fat and scant of breath!
The Advisor: Our purpose is to build you, make you wiser.
Committee Member #1: What does not kill you only makes you stronger.
The Advisor: Now then. Tell me what you know about sleep.
The Student: When people sleep not they grow mighty weary.
The Advisor: He speaks the truth.
The Student: And by a sleep to say we end the heartaches and the thousand natural shocks that human flesh is heir to is a consummation devoutly to be wished.
Committee Member #2 (aside): Alack! He has discovered my purpose. I must forestall him with a question:
Committee Member #2: If I may, a word.
The Student: I listen.
Committee Member #2: Could you mayhap explain to a poor Outsider the clinical significance of your research?
No comments:
Post a Comment