first of all, i'm not taking sides.

this is how i feel about things:

(i) it's so obvious that it's almost trite, but you are not what you do. the powers-that-be will try and tell you otherwise, but please don't sell yourself that short, even if you don't have a religion.

(ii) "becoming everything you can be" is a bullshit, pie-in-the-sky notion that's been drilled into us through a combination of our education and mutual reinforcement. particularly when we apply this to The Choice (capitalised because of what it's become for us). i've said this. if you have found your oasis of happiness, and you can live wth yourself (as su-lin says she has), for goodness sake, sit down and drink. there is only one variable in the equation.

(iii) confession: i do feel in some ways apart from the teachers and the other civil servants, even though i've been here with them through the entirety of their careers so far. and i'm not blaming anyone for anything -- for instance, i understand why you would want to talk about work when we get together, because that's how it is: personalizing, consolidation, etc. i remember booking out from ns and meeting (guy) friends and having nothing to do around the dinner table except tell endless stories about field camps and platoon sergeants -- and i'm sure that bmt sucked 10,000 times worse than anything people are going through now (apologies if i'm wrong). but su-lin has cp, and jy and yen and addy can commiserate about -- well, whatever, i don't really know what they commiserate about because it's all acronyms and abbreviations -- but i don't have that. and in that way, i do understand where minz's sentiments are coming from, particularly when you add physical distance into the mix, and i can't say that i might not feel the same way a year from now.

(iv) and though i've never said this explicitly, i would like to be connected to the people who are most important to me in that way. (also, unlike what anybody may think i haven't "betrayed" myself, reason being in (i), above). just because i'm doing something different doesn't mean i have any less need to want to talk about it. but since deisderata and reality will never meet - i have no illusions about that - there's no point in either smacking my head against the brick wall or bitching about it in vain. being at peace with that notion has helped, and i guess i need that tranquility now more than ever.