So there will be no raiding brothels and running around yelling "CID" because in their infinite wisdom the SPF has decided not to hire me. The news came in a shockingly brusque letter that I opened while still feeling very satiated from a fine cheesecake parfait at Cafe Rosso in Holland V. As such, the disappointment didn't immediately hit, just a kind of numbness that only crescendoed to full force this morning when I discovered that I did not want to go to church, or eat breakfast, or lunch for that matter. Moped and slept until about 1:30 when Jiahao called me asking if I wanted to go out, whereupon I decided that since I wasn't dead I'd better get on with the business of life. So, got up, showered, watched episode of Six Feet Under went out, watched The Terminal, had Japanese dinner and came home, bringing us to now.

It is tempting to just feel totally disgusted with myself and whine about how the last 2 months have been a total waste of time, but really, they haven't. For one thing, I'll go into the next interview, whenever it may be, that much less intimidated. For another, working in NIE has helped me figure out that unless I want to be utterly miserable for the rest of my life, I'd better plug away at getting a job I actually want to do rather than grabbing the first thing in sight. Perhaps my optimism will do me in, but all my life I've been taught that I can do anything I want to do, be anyone I want to be, and damn it all, that's sure as all hell not going to change now.